Remembering Mason

December.

 

Christmas is coming.

This was me, the Christmas before, having just annouced to our  world that I was 13 weeks pregnant. EXCITED. HAPPY.

I love Christmas. I mean who doesn’t. I have always been blessed to have had every Christmas filled with lots of love, laughter, happiness, good health, big feasts and gifts. Big Christmas lunches and dinners guaranteed to give you heart failure and diabetes. My favourite time of the year.

Before Mase was born I envisioned how I would plan his first birthday, first Easter and first Christmas. Everyone who knows me, knows I love to go all out, above and beyond. I love to host parties and events, nothing gives me more joy and satisfaction than to make other people laugh and smile. Mason’s first Christmas would have been no exception.

But my baby isn’t here to witness his mummy prepare Christmas for him.

So I had two choices.

1. Sleep through the whole of December and hope I wake up January 1st to have missed the whole thing; or
2. Celebrate Christmas the way I would have if Mason was here with me just in case there is a hope that heaven exists and that he will be watching down on me from his little fluffy cloud crib.

I didn’t want Mason to miss out just because he wasn’t physically here. I didn’t want him to go back to his other angel baby friends up there and tell them that mummy didn’t celebrate Christmas and instead mummy was a sad, depressed mess. If Mason was watching I wanted to give him the BEST 1ST CHRISTMAS he ever did see.

The most important part of Christmas is putting up the grand Christmas tree. I imagined our little family, me with Mason on my lap on the ground ordering around Saunders to put each tree ornament perfectly placed and evenly spaced amongst the branches. Then of course when he wasn’t looking, rearranging them again. Yes I have perfect placement disorder. It’s a real thing. I had bought Mason a train set, in which the train tracks circle the tree and when turned on, would run underneath the tree making train sounds and also playing Christmas themed songs. The first thing I did, I went shopping like a mad woman, trying to find the most perfect and beautiful decorations, some that would also remind me of Mase. I went cray cray. I was on a mission. It reminded me about the time when I got home from the hospital after letting Mase go and saying goodbye, I went on a massive shopping spree and bought photo frames, albums, coffee cups, all filled with photos of Mason. I wanted the house to be filled with Mason. I wanted people to know a baby lives in this home. Now I wanted my home to be filled with Mason’s first Christmas. So when I got home from the shops, I asked Saunders “How much is reasonable to spend on Christmas decorations do you think?”….In which he replied “I don’t know, $80?”….men $80 is one bauble these days.…..well fuck me I won’t tell him I quadrupled the Christmas decoration budget.

We previously owned a fake white Christmas tree. I wanted a new one for Mase. A traditional green one. I made Saunders drive me to the nearest shopping centre. I already knew which one I wanted, a green one with the lights already inbuilt in the branches. There is nothing worse than untangling and then removing Christmas tree lights, so two birds with one stone. Of course when I arrived every single damn tree with the inbuilt lights  had sold out. I tried a few stores and there was none available. Saunders saw the panic and heartbreak in my eyes. I had to get this tree. I had to get Mase his own tree. Feeling defeated, I left the shopping centre and made a call to a store which was closer to home. I asked if they had a tree available and I was put on hold. The lady returned and said “Oh these trees are so popular! I have 3 left in the whole of Victoria. I can put this one aside for you”. WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!! Saunders and I rushed to pick up our tree and in the time of 12 minutes, all trees had sold out. Christmas tree bought – tick!

I was scrolling one night through instagram, and on my feed came an image that I will never forget.

Our first Christmas 2017. Mummy, Daddy….and Mason. Out of all the posts, out of all the names in the world….this decoration was so fitting to us and our situation. So what do you think I did next. Correct….I bought out the whole shop. They sold personalized Christmas decorations and I bought a truck tonne in each design available. And then I thought, well I want Mason to be on ALL Christmas trees. So I bought our parents and Mason’s aunts and uncles some too. I felt like Oprah Winfrey…..”And you get a Mason ornament, and you get one, and YOU get one!”.

I got my decorations from a wonderful company called “Name it custom decor”. They have the best decorations ever! A beautiful range that also covers baby loss. So very reasonably priced too!

 

 

I continued to fill our home with Christmas decorations. Reindeer, drummer boys and Rudolf’s in the front garden. Wreath on the front door. More reindeer and drummer boys in the hallway. Mini Christmas trees everywhere. I even decorated Mason’s table with his own mini Christmas tree and lights.

 

It was Christmas in our house. I had never gone to that extreme with decorating Christmas in our house before. All we did was put the tree up in previous years.

 

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I joined a few groups on Facebook after Mason left my arms, one being a group called Baby loss. I saw a photo of a Christmas light box that a lady posted for her baby boy who  wasn’t here to celebrate Christmas with his family. This lady’s godmother made it for her and she was telling the Facebook group that her godmother has offered to make these light boxes for other angel parents celebrating Christmas without their babies. So yep….I bought one too for Mase. Take my money!

 

As most of you know and I do say it in any opportunity given that I pride myself on being organised. Before Mason was born I had already bought his Christmas presents. Mason would be nearly 6 months old around Christmas. Saunders and I love our RNB, Hip Hop and rap music. A common interest we shared. My favourite artist growing up and still is today is Nelly. I saw a company had created children’s ABC and numbers books that were Hip Hop and Rap related before Mason was born. These books were so cute and funny and I had always joked that Mason would be a little “gangsta baby”. I would play to him Nelly all the time, my favourite song being “Ride wit me”. I did get to play Nelly to Mason earth side, but it was through my phone with my hand inserted in his NICU incubator crib. The company only created a few of these books at the time so I put my name down for preorder. Well the books arrived just in time for Christmas. I wrote Mason’s name inside. And guess who was on the first page at number 1? NELLY!!!

 

With the house filled with decorations it was time to put the tree up. I wanted to surprise Saunders, so one night I waited for him to go to bed (as he goes to bed quite early being a nana and I am a night owl) and started putting up the tree. The tree had to be PERFECT. It was Mason’s tree. I loved the sound of that. Mason’s tree. In this household it was no longer going to be called the Christmas tree. I was up til 1am perfecting Mason’s tree. When I was done, I must say I was quite chuffed looking at what I created. It was amazing. Bloody department store worthy or to be in some “Home” magazine. I couldn’t wait til Saunders saw it. Early the next morning, I punched Saunders in the arm (yes I am quite the loving wife” and told him to get his ass out of bed and to see Mason’s tree. It was probably a little too early for his liking, but he got up and headed towards the living room. Saunders said nothing. I watched him with his back to me just staring at the tree. And then I could see his cheeks stick out and he was smiling. He turned back around and said “Its perfect”. “I almost forgot!”….I squealed and ran towards the tree and pressed the button. Down underneath the tree came Mason’s Christmas train.

 

I thought it would be a lovely tradition, for every Christmas to put up the Mason tree and buy more decorations in honour of Mase and maybe someday in the future his brothers and sisters can help me continue each year to put on display the best MASON TREE anybody did see.

 

Decorate the front yard – tick.

Decorate the inside of the house – tick.

Put up the Chri……MASON tree – tick.

 

There was one more thing I wanted to do. The hardest task out of all the tasks I wanted to do for Mason.

I wanted to get our first family photo with Mason and Santa.

Mason HAD to meet Santa. Just because he isn’t physically here to get a photo with Santa doesn’t mean I won’t do this for my son. I planned excitedly in my head to take Mase to see Santa before he was born. I would imagine if Mason would be a brave show off kinda baby (like his mummy) or a shy, quiet, reserved, crying baby (more like his father) with Santa. I didn’t think Saunders would come around to this idea of mine, but was surprised when he said he would do it with me. Saunders has difficulty in saying no to me I must admit. He is such a softy or maybe he is scared of me? Either way he knew how much this would mean to me and he said yes! I was so excited. I looked up the times that Santa would be at our local shopping centre. I wanted to go early, to be the first people in line so I wouldn’t make it uncomfortable for Saunders or other families with their babies and children. 9am. So tomorrow Mason I am bringing you to meet the big fat jolly man himself.

The next day, Saunders and I headed to see Santa. I woke up, put on some heavy-duty waterproof concrete makeup and mascara, put on a pretty dress and some wedges. I wore my matching ring and necklace which contained Mason’s ashes and Saunders did the same wearing his necklace. I took my favourite framed photo of Mason and a teddy bear that when you squeeze his tummy, Mason’s heartbeat from one of my ultrasounds played.

 

I decided to go a little earlier just in case other families also wanted to go early and get it out of the way before they started their day. We arrived at “Santa’s Grotto” and went to line up. We were second in line to a grandma taking her grandkids. She smiled at us and then looked around us too see if we had any kids. Looking back at us she smiled again. I wonder what she was thinking. Maybe she thought Saunders and I were just getting a photo done together. The line started filling up real quick. Like lightening quick. By 9am the line was already down one length of the shopping centre. Thank god we came here early!

A family lining up after us consisted of a mum and dad, a toddler and of course a newborn baby. My luck hey. The family was beautiful, a young couple, a beautiful toddler and the baby…..ugh so cute. I smiled at them and the tired parents smiled back. The mum saw the frame of Mason I was holding and whispered to her husband who turned around and looked at my arms. Their happy faces turned to sad eyes. More and more people in the line started noticing us and whispering. Not whispering in a bad way but more whispering in a heartbroken way. I didn’t mind. I probably would have done the same thing. I was proud as punch that I had actually made it this far. That I got in the car and lined up holding my son in my arms. Wearing my son. I was more proud I hadn’t cried….yet. So it was 9:10am. Santa is running late. A few parents in the line started making jokes saying “Oh dear looks like Santa has a hangover and slept in”. Kids were running around the line crazy and filled with excitement in seeing Santa. Another 10 minutes had passed and the line was seriously filled with over a hundred people waiting. Another 10 minutes. Where was Santa? The grandma in front of us started to get impatient. Her grandkids started getting up and asked if Santa was still coming. 9:45am and no word of Santa. Santa’s little helpers hadn’t showed up either. They must have partied too hard with Santa also the night before. The line started huffing and puffing. Kids were crying, getting tired, grumpy, squealing. One lady in line left to tell centre management. When she returned she told the line that they are “chasing Santa up”. A few people from centre management raced down to see the never ending line, red faced. Staff proceeded to hand out free coffee vouchers to people waiting in line and in exchange received angry comments back.

 

10am and still no Santa. Staff started handing out vouchers for a free photo print with Santa. The line started getting angry. I had been waiting in that line since 8:30am. But I didn’t care. The father from the family with the newborn said to us if we wanted to leave to get a coffee or something to eat that they would mind our spot. I wasn’t leaving. I would have waited days if I had to. There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to get that photo for my son. There was a big Santa Chair you could sit in, or parents could sit their children on whilst waiting in line to see Santa. I hesitated a bit but I thought screw it. With the crowd waiting in line watching me, I walked to the big chair and placed Mason’s frame and teddy bear on it and took photos. I know everyone was staring at me. I could feel their eyes burning holes into my back. I didn’t care if I made people feel awkward or uncomfortable. Mason deserves a photo too. I could hear the whispers. But I wanted as many photos I could give to Mason for his first Christmas. When I walked back to my spot in line I didn’t look up or make eye contact with anyone. I just held my boy tightly.

 

10:05am and Santa’s little helpers started running in. A few seconds later you could hear shrieks of excitement from the kids as Santa appeared ringing his bell. Parents faces didn’t change though. Apparently no one had told Santa and his crew that the shopping centre store Christmas trading hours had changed from 10am to 9am starting that week. Oh the poor Santa. I felt bad he would have to deal with all the loads of angry parents coming his way. A young Santa’s little helper came to us with an iPad to get our order for what photo package we wanted. You could choose a single photo, a few photos in different sizes or the whole shebang package, photos in different sizes, a calendar, fridge magnets, cards and bookmarks. I got the whole shebang. I aint skimping out on Mason’s first Christmas remember!!! After a few minutes it was our turn to go inside the grotto and see the man!

I saw Santa in his chair straight away and I LOST IT. I cried sooooooo much in that one second of seeing him. Saunders held on to me and without a word Santa saw what I was holding and summoned me to sit next to him saying “Its always hard, the Christmases and the birthdays. But let’s make this photo perfect”. God he was such a lovely Santa. I didn’t even say one word and he took over. I wondered how many of these situations he had to deal with. The helpers let us take our time and allowed us to look at the photos we took and made sure we were ok with them, an option you don’t get normally. You usually get what you are given. After getting the perfect photo done, we left the Santa’s Grotto and Saunders paid for the photos. I saw a cute light up Christmas frame available to buy and of course I bought that too. I did it. I fucking did it. I couldn’t stop the smile from growing on my face let alone hold back the tears. This was definitely a proud mummy moment for me. I took Mase to see Santa.

My mums birthday is on the 21st of December. It was to be her big 6-0. Mum had told me she didn’t want to celebrate her birthday this year which I was not going to let that happen. My mum deserved to celebrate her 60th. I know she didn’t want to celebrate anything because of Mason. So being the evil eldest daughter I am, I started to plan her a surprise birthday.

It wouldn’t be anything big, mum hates fuss and attention. I invited her close friends to come over to our house one Friday night 2 weeks before her actual birthday so she would suspect anything. Mum and Dad often come to our house on a friday night and we order fish & chips for tea. I organised Pizza’s, canapes and drinks. On the day of Mum’s surprise birthday she had called me that afternoon and said that she will pick up the fish & chips on the way to our place. Crap. “No Mum, it’s ok. We can organise that when you get here. Dont stress!”. I hung up. Then I thought, god knowing Mum, she is going to be wearing some mismatched outfit or go really casual in track pants like she does when she usually comes over for a fatty fish & chips dinner. The last thing I wanted to do was make mum feel underdressed and look like a bum at her own 60th birthday party when everyone else would be dressed up. I called Mum back. “Oh Mum, by the way, dress nicely, you never know, maybe we might decide to go out to dinner! Saunders might be sick of fish & chips ok?”. Please god dress nicely mum.

I told Mum’s friends to come over half an hour before Mum was to arrive. Mum’s friends started rocking up and our normally quiet street was full of cars. I hope mum wouldn’t click, surely she wouldn’t have paid attention to what type of cars her friends drive? Some of her friends didn’t drive so I had organized my brother to pick them up. I had all bases covered. As each guest walked through our house, I really appreciated them taking the time to stop by Mason’s table and say hello. I also loved their reaction to my Mason tree. Everyone stopped and stared at Mason’s tree. Looking at each decoration with his name on it. Admiring Mason’s train at the bottom. Some even left Mason some Christmas presents. Ugh – I was totes proud. I was one proud mumma!

Everyone headed outside to our entertaining area on the deck. My sister was with my parents and was to message me when they were 5 minutes away. When I got the text, I quickly told everyone to be quiet and to hide towards the back of the deck. Saunders and I went back inside the house to greet my parents. I opened the door and Mum who was looking lovely and even had a bit of make up on (rare occasion) walked in and commented on how busy the street was. I told her that the neighbours were having a BBQ and we could hear them from next door, (Year 10 drama acting skills came into play). I told Mum to then go outside to grab me a spare chair from the deck to bring inside. Mum headed out to….

“SURPRISE!!!!”

25 of her closest friends all shouting and cheering. Mum’s face was priceless. It was complete utter shock, followed by an awkward shy smile and then it turned to that stare Mother’s give when they are out in public trying to be polite but in their eyes they are saying to their misbehaving child “I am going to beat the shit out of you when we get home”. I was definitely in big trouble. But I was loving it.

 

Mum greeted all her friends and then headed back inside. I watched her go into Mason’s nursery. After a few minutes she still hadn’t come out and a lump in my throat was forming. I asked my sister to go and see what Mum was doing.

After a few more minutes she came back and told me that Mum was just standing in Mason’s room staring out the window. My sister asked her what was wrong and my Mum said “How can I be happy and celebrate my birthday when Mason isn’t here”. Hearing that destroyed me. I knew I couldn’t take away her pain by throwing her a party but I thought for one second of the night she might enjoy a laugh or two with her friends. I continued to watched my Mum that night, speaking to her friends, trying to laugh with them, but behind those weak laughs, I knew my Mum was heartbroken. I hated it.

 

 

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When the night was over and everyone had left Mum thanked me for the party and for all the trouble I went to. She did tell me she had a good time towards the end. I pictured Mum’s birthday differently. I pictured us all out to dinner, at a fancy restaurant, smiling, laughing, happy, celebrating Mums big 6-0, with my Mum’s hands always full hogging Mason and never letting him go.

Christmas day was approaching in a few days and as always Saunders and I wrapped our presents last minute. One night when I was wrapping Mason’s present Saunders came home from catching up with his best friend. I looked up and saw his face. I could tell something happened. “I need to tell you something”. God what now.

“They are expecting”.

For a moment I didn’t feel anything. My heart didn’t drop. I didn’t cry. This was the first time since losing Mason that we were faced with someone in our close group of friends and family who were pregnant. I had always wondered how I would truly react to hearing news like this. I wasn’t surprised. I mean I knew this was going to happen eventually. They are a beautiful young couple, married this year and had openly told us they were trying. It’s the circle of life. These things happen. Are meant to happen. They are the “next chapter” in people’s lives. They weren’t out to “get us”. They didn’t do it to hurt us. We know that. I actually felt happy. Happy for them. They are a well deserved couple who we love dearly and want the best for deserve the best and will make the best parents. Another baby in our lives….and I love love love babies.

BUT…. I am human.

I felt sad. Not sad for me. Sad for Saunders. I felt like he was missing out. I felt sad that he would now have to witness his best friend go through all the excitement and happiness he once did.  I felt like that I had failed to give him his baby. I just wish I could carry all the burden, carry all the pain and hurt and heartbreak my family and friends were experiencing.  I felt like I can take the pain, I am the strong one, I don’t want anyone else to suffer. I felt like since I carried Mase, I should have all the responsibility. I am his mother and that is my price to pay.

Those feelings for me only lasted a day or two and started to wear off. I was excited for them. Oh the pregnancy joy, them feels! The amazing journey they are now on. There is nothing like being pregnant for the first time. I envy them! They will love it! Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Oh and is she glowing. She is a beautiful pregnant lady! I prayed they would have a problem free, easy-going pregnancy that Mason blessed me with. Oh I do miss being pregnant.

I am damn spoilt. Damn damn damn spoilt.

A beautiful mumma called Annie, again someone who I haven’t had the privilege to meet reached out to me on my instagram account and wanted to send me something for Christmas. Annie told me that before falling pregnant with her gorgeous Austin she loved to draw. Annie wanted to draw me my favorite photo of Mason. That is so tough. Every photo of Mason was my favorite. The good, the bad, the blurry everything I loved. BUT. If I had to only chose one, it was this.

Me. Holding my son on his last day on earth before he went to the stars in my arms. I loved this photo. It’s everywhere, at home, in the bathroom, at work in my desk, on my phone on my background. Look at how he perfectly fit my arms. Look at how perfect he is. How beautiful my baby boy is.

I asked Annie if she could draw this photo without the breathing tube. I wanted my favorite photo to be drawn so that I could have a version of this moment where I can see my sons face entirely. What it would have looked like without the breathing tube. What he would have looked like alive with nothing obstructing his perfect face.

Annie got on to it straight away and no joke, faster than a blink of an eye, I received a message from her that it was complete and on its way to me. In my head I thought, jesus that was quick…..would it just be two drawn stick people? It couldn’t be that detailed if it only took her like two sessions in between feeds with Austin. I didn’t know what to expect. But what I did know was this Annie has some serious TALENT.

 

Now remember how I have mentioned previously that I am a apart of a Facebook group called July 2017 Babies?

One of the sweet mummas in this group Emma whom I have become very close to, (we are like angel mumma best friends as she has a darling angel boy called Oliver) organized with the other beautiful mummas such a special gift for Saunders and I for Christmas. This gift was truly amazing. Saunders and I were instructed to make sure we taped ourselves opening the gift.

We received a photograph. It was of “Mason’s Rock” down in Tasmania. Emma had arranged a photographer to hike to that very rock which is only known by locals and to take a photo for me. Every detail was covered. The frame was also made of the wood that is found in that area. One day I hope Saunders and I can go visit “Mason’s Rock” and see this secret, special place.

 

 

(***Edit – This blog took a few months to write with me adding bits to it when I had the time or felt ready. It was an importnant blog and I wanted to make sure I took my time with it being it was my first Christmas without Mason. I recieved the gift above back in December 2017 just before Christmas. It is now February 2018 and unfortunately I found out a few days ago that this photo in the frame was actually a common google image, not taken by a paid photographer to go on a hike as indicated and was brought to my attention that it was a scam – BUT… I wanted to mention this gift as I did receive it for Christmas without knowing all of this and wanted to say thanks to all the innocent, wonderful, generous mothers who put in for it, not knowing it was a fake, whom had good intentions for Saunders, Mason and I’s first Christmas).

I am not finished yet…

So one afternoon on the way home from work I grabbed my phone which I hadn’t in a while (total rarity, I was actually born with a phone in my hand). I saw there was a little red “100+” sign on my Facebook app letting me know that my Facebook was blowing up with over 100 notifications. Same with my messenger app. Oh god what’s happened I thought? So I began to check what the fuss was all about.

Tears began to flow.

I received over 100 posts in my July 2017 babies group from all the babies born sending Mason photos of them wishing Mase a Merry first Christmas. Some babies were wearing onesies of stars, some on star blankets, some playing with star toys, some next to signs with messages with stars, all the Mums personalizing and setting their babies and photos up for Mase. I was blown away. All these wonderful women taking the time out of their busy Christmas holidays to post the perfect photos of their beautiful bubbas. It was amazing. The photos and messages kept coming fast. Post after post. I was literally reading and viewing all the messages and photos coming in with tears in my eyes. It was seriously a few hours just sitting at my comp watching all the love pour in. I checked my Messenger App and saw some of the Mums reaching out in concern saying things like “I’m so sorry if we have offended you?”, “Please let us know if we have upset you, we didn’t mean to”, “We haven’t heard from you, we hope our posts didn’t hurt you”. Some I wrote back to pretending I didn’t know what they were talking about and that I was still at work yet little did they know I was siting there and screen shotting every single photo of their babies and their messages to Mase. I had a great idea. Once the photos began to slowly come to a stop I thanked the wonderful Mummas and presented them with this:

 

I created a video with all the babies wishing Mase a Merry first Christmas. I made sure I included every single baby. A precious video that I can watch every Christmas to remind me how much Mase is loved and more importantly how Mase is remembered.

Still not finished yet…

Another beautiful mum Devi from the group also sent me a beautiful print, a message from Mason. The print was of the night sky in Melbourne of the exact time and date Mason was born. What the night sky looked like in the moment of time. The most precious time in my whole existence. The time I become a mother and when my first born came into this world.

THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS BLOWS MY FKING MIND. HOW DO PEOPLE THINK LIKE THIS? GIVE LIKE THIS? LOVE LIKE THIS!?!

Christmas Eve Saunders and I went to Kmart. Every year Kmart does the “Christmas Wishing Tree Appeal” where you can donate gifts for homeless or less fortunate kids to give them presents to open on Christmas Day. You donate a present and put a sticker on it saying what gender and age is suitable. Since I couldn’t physically give Mason Christmas presents, I decided that our tradition for Christmas now is every year we will donate a christmas present to the Appeal that we would have given Mason at that age. That way I will never miss out on giving my Mason a Christmas present and at the same time not letting some little boy miss out on Christmas.

Saunders and I went around the shops buying everything we could see. Mason would have been 5 months old so we needed to buy toys in that age range. We bought a toy train, some interactive toys that light up and make noises and also some baby singlets as you can never had enough baby singlets….or so I had heard.

We placed our gifts under the tree in the collection area and smiled as our gifts were the biggest and front and centre. I hope the baby boy that got these gifts from us is very well loved and had a wonderful Christmas hopefully with his mummy and daddy.

 

Christmas morning.

We woke up. We exchanged cards and gifts. We hugged. We laughed. We smiled. That was what I looked like on the outside. My heart had a different face. It felt sad. It felt empty. It felt lost. It was trying to remember what it was like to wake up Christmas morning and be happy, excited, giddy, care free.

I kissed Mason’s urn and wished him a Merry Christmas. I told him that I love him so much and wish he was here to celebrate Christmas with us.

I opened Mason’s Christmas presents, placed his books in his nursery.

 

Saunders and I then headed to Mass to meet my parents there. It was nice seeing all the families with their children, all so happy and excited for what the day lay ahead. The kids all with their new Christmas gifts and outfits. So much love. Then there was my family, sadness behind the smiles, no baby in their arms. I hated seeing my family so broken. We left my family after Mass to head to Saunders parent’s house for Christmas lunch, (we would see my family again for Christmas dinner). Lunch is always a big feast at Saunders parents place. It was nice to be with them and have a laugh. Catch up with Saunders side of the family. I loved seeing his little cousins and enjoyed playing with them.

(All my outfits incorporate a little bit of Mase now, I am a sucker for stars!)

When lunch was finished and we could finally get up and move from our overloaded bellies, we headed to my parents place. I love my family, I love our Christmas. Mum always goes out of her way and cooks so many dishes. She loves entertaining. Dad just loves watching and eating it while having a beer with Saunders and my brother. It is just the best Christmas summers night with family. We eat dinner outside in the backyard and watch the sun go down. While I was there, I saw the little red car my mum bought for Mason when I was pregnant sitting in the corner, collecting dust. It’s funny how grief comes from nowhere and stabs you in the chest. I didn’t want to show I was upset or cry in front of my family so I held it all in and just stared at this little car, imaging a different Christmas here with Mase, mum pushing him around in his little red car. All of us eating, drinking and cheering him on. All of us happy.

I know my parents are suffering, I know they are heartbroken and depressed. My dad who was the centre of attention, who always would be telling a terrible joke or talking about “back in the day” doesn’t really say much anymore. My mum, red, tired sad eyes from always crying quietly alone. I hated seeing my parents like this. They didn’t deserve this. They deserved to be grandparents with their grandson. Enjoying their retirement. I hated this. I hated what losing Mason had done to my perfect, happy little family. And I hate that I cannot fix it and it will never ever be the same.

After dinner, we headed back home. We lit a candle on Mason’s table, the same tradition we have done since he left for the stars. We watched a little tv. We blew out that same candle and kissed our boy goodnight. I thanked him for giving us the strength for getting through the hardest day of the year without him. I hoped he had a grand Christmas up there. I hoped he was spoilt rotten, received lots of hugs and kisses. I hoped he loved his tree I worked so hard on. I hoped he loved the train set. I hoped he enjoyed his visit with Santa. I hoped he loved his presents and someone up there is reading his books to him. I hoped he knows how much mummy and daddy love him and I hoped he loved his very first Christmas.

 

Merry Christmas my beautiful baby boy. X O

 

 

(Naughty bauble images from Craftboner instagram)