Remembering Mason

Our GP is a lovely, kind, straight to the point, no bullshit kind of guy.

While I was pregnant, I had some bad pregnancy insomnia. I would go in stressed and anxious that I hadn’t slept. He pretty much told me that lack of sleep won’t kill me and that I can just get on with my life and make up for it the next night. I am sure Saunders told me the same thing over and over also, but when my GP spoke it was like hearing words from the Dalai Lama. Everything would be ok.

When Mason passed away he texted me as soon as he received the news. As like everyone he too was shocked, as he had witnessed my pretty cruisey, healthy and normal pregnancy. We decided to check in with him every 2-3 weeks, just for a chat and for him to see how we were going both mentally and physically.

He decided that it was best for me to go back to work sooner rather than later. I agreed. There was no point taking a whole year off that I had planned to whilst on mat leave. There was nothing for me to do at home, I was bored, sick of being home alone, sitting in a corner, staring at the Mason shrine I had made. There was only so many times you could re-arrange the spices rack, clean the fridge, wash the cat and watch trashy midday movies.

I decided that I would go back to work on 2 October 2017, 2 months, 13 days since Mason went to the stars. There was 2 weeks left until I returned to work. Saunders and I went and saw our GP for another catch up and he suggested that we go on a mini break before I head back to work. In fact he demanded we go. We got home that night from our appointment and started doing some travel research. Do we go back to Thailand, our favorite destination of all time, do we go somewhere new? Everyone says you must try Bali? Do we go to New Zealand? We have always wanted to go. All I knew is that if we were to go somewhere, it had to be warm, as Melbourne was in winter and it was pretty bleak, cold and miserable, which was fitting since it matched our moods.

To be honest I didn’t really want to go away. What was the point? A change of scenery wasn’t going to do anything. Going away on a mini break wasn’t going to make me happy, forget about what’s happened or bring Mason back. If anything it will reinforce that cruel reality I am faced with. That we are only going away because of what’s happened to us. I wouldn’t be planning a mini get away if Mason was in my arms. I would be at home, not leaving the house, smothering him with love, kisses, hugs and pinches.

Saunders needed a break and he was keen to go away for a bit so I agreed. If he needed and wanted this I would support him and come with. I found an awesome deal online to head to Port Douglas for 6 days. We had never been there before, heard really great things, it was hot, pretty and it was still in Australia, only a short flight away. Maybe it will be good? Maybe we will enjoy ourselves? Joy, I find that hard to believe. Regardless, bags packed, we headed up to far north Queensland.

We left Melbourne and took a flight to Cairns which was an hours drive from Port Douglas. Hot. Stinking hot. Cairns was hit you in the face hot. We definitely weren’t used to that coming from cold Melbourne. Saunders organized a hire car. I waited for him at the Hertz counter. He was taking a really long time. I didn’t think we had to do much except for sign some forms and grab the car keys since we had done most of the work online. After about 45 minutes Saunders returns with a grin on his face. Instead of hiring a small shitty little zippy car, he upgraded to a sports hatch Mercedes. Of course he did. Boys and their toys….ugh.

The drive from Cairns airport to Port Douglas was BEAUTIFUL. Driving down along the coast was spectacular. The warmth from the sun hitting our faces, the emerald-green water glistening. So much green, the palm trees, the long grass, the endless rows of sugar canes. It was so beautiful.

Australia is beautiful. I am so blessed to call this country home. The fresh air, the bright colors, the warmth, it was definitely something that we weren’t used to back home in Melbourne, in our dark, black cold bubble.

We were too early for check-in to the hotel so we decided to explore the town and get some lunch. Port Douglas isn’t that big. There is one main street that has all the shops, bars and restaurants. We scouted the main street and I decided to eat at a place where the most people were at. The Court House Hotel. Since I wasn’t pregnant anymore, I ordered the kilo bucket of prawns. Fuck it, why not. I’m on holidays and if I want to eat a kilo of prawns, I will. I was hoping that I didn’t have to pull their heads off as I cringe and gag at the process. I hate removing prawn poo. Who has the time? Ugh, but when I saw the bucket of fresh locally caught prawns, I thought surely it will be all worth it. It was.

We arrived at the Pullman Port Douglas Sea Temple and Spa hotel. Our home for the week. The sight of this hotel, WOW…… HOLY MOLEY. I thought we had arrived in Bali or Thailand. It was inviting to say the least.

That pool. THAT POOL.

I couldn’t wait to jump in because it looked so refreshing and I was slowly melting in the heat. We checked in and the man at the front desk gave us the regular spiel, where to go, what to see, what to do and where to get the cheapest alcohol since there was a man in Port Douglas that owned all of the bottle shops but one. That one he didn’t own sold the cheapest drinks. Did it look like we were some young couple on a fun-filled holiday? I really wanted to be recognized as parents, not some crazy young couple who would need to know where to buy grog at to be smashed every night. I don’t even drink! But it wasn’t his fault. How was he to know that something massive had happened to us. He also warned us not to swim in the beaches or go out late at night. But he didn’t explain why. Weird. We went to our room which was a lovely spacious suite with room access to the pool and a massive spa. I started to unpack and settle into our new home for the next 6 days. I bought 5 pairs of bathers. All one pieces. I had so much trouble finding bathers, I hated the way I looked, I hated how big I was still. I had always been a small girl and I just wasn’t used to still being so big. I know it had only been 2 months since giving birth and I was being so hard on myself, but somehow I felt that I was still big and pregnant looking even though I had no baby to show for it. I thought in my head that since I didn’t have a baby I would go back to normal all of a sudden. I mean it would be ok and normal to look this way if I had a baby in my arms. Normal. Yeah right. I clearly wasn’t thinking straight still.

I put one of the pairs of bathers on and Saunders and I jumped into the pool. It was one of those pools that reached every point and room of the entire hotel. It had mini lagoons, a bar in the centre (pointless to me as I don’t drink, but won points for Saunders and his baby beer belly) and a baby pool. The water felt so nice jumping in. We decided we would swim around the whole pool to see the entire hotel.

The pool was packed. With kids. So many kids. Kids and their families. Babies. And then it clicked. It must have been school holidays. What perfect timing that was. Naaawwtt. Everyone was happy, splashing around. Kids jumping off the ledges into their daddy’s arms. Mums hugging their baby’s in the pool that were too young to swim on their own. Kids playing with their brothers and sisters on their family holidays. You can’t escape it. Not that we were wanting to escape. I love seeing kids, babies, families. It doesn’t affect me. But it did make me wish I had Mason here with me. So I could be that happy new mum with a cute baby in her arms. So that I could watch Saunders play with his son in the pool. So I could see Mason splash about, throwing his arms in the water, up and down, like all babies excitedly do when they feel themselves in water.

On this trip I knew I wanted to tick off a few things while we were here. I wanted to go to Hartley’s Crocodile Farm (huge recommendation from friends), I wanted snorkel at the Great Barrier Reef, I wanted to do the Skyrail Rainforest Cableway, I wanted to do a day trip and explore Cairns and Palm Cove. So the itinerary was set and planned for the week. Little Miss Organized was coming out again.

The next day was 23 September. It was our 9 year anniversary of being together. 23 was a very special number to us. 23 September 2008 was when we officially got together, 23 January 2014 was when we moved into our first home, a year after that, 23 January 2015 Saunders proposed and a year after that, 23 January 2016 we got married. When I found out that Mason was due in July, I would joke to Saunders and say “Imagine if Mason was born on the 23rd”. Glad he wasn’t or else he would have been the size of a 6 month old instead of the 2 month old body he was born in! Mason was so long. 58.3 cms. I swear he would have come out running, talking and already with a uni degree.

We went for a drive down to Palm Cove. Palm Cove was so pretty. It too has one main road like Port Douglas, filled with hotels, restaurants, shops and bars. We walked along the main road that faces the beautiful beach. There was people everywhere, the beaches and restaurants full. It was like a hidden oasis.

We found a spot to grab lunch, one of the best meals I’ve ever had.

I had a feeling this trip would mainly be about eating and fine dining. Not something my baby belly needed. I ain’t hard to please. I’m no fancy Nancy. I’m content with a large big mac meal minus pickles, onion and lettuce (no one makes friends with salad) sweet and sour sauce, frozen coke and a 6pac from McDonald’s. Where’s the McDee’s at. I hadn’t seen one since landing. But Port Douglas was all about fine dining. When we got back to Melbourne I knew we would have to sell the house. Port Dougie sure is expensive!

On the way back from Palm Cove, I noticed when driving down the coast, I would always see in one spot, cars parked on the side of the road. People would be getting out of their cars in this random spot. I would always wonder what people were stopping for, what were they looking at. There were no signs, no parking. People just stopped. So when we were approaching the spot, I asked Saunders to pull over and see what the fuss was all about.

We parked the car and walked down to where the random people were at. And then I could see what everyone was doing and looking at. It was beautiful.

People would stop along this road, at this random spot and would balance rocks on top of each other. I had seen photos of these before but never been to a spot where people actually did it. It was quiet, everyone in full concentration mode, searching the beach for the perfect rock, the perfect rock that would fit the stack. I saw some of the rock stacks, some people had some patience and talent that’s for sure. They were so amazing to look at. I decided I wanted to do one for Mason.

Let me tell you, it requires patience and skill to do this but I also found it quite calming. I had a few stack collapses but I finally got there. My own little rock stack for Mason. It felt really good to do something again for him. When I was finished we went back to the car and driving away I hoped that no one would push my little rock stack down and that it would be there for Mason forever.

After our little day trip to Palm Cove we went back to our hotel for a swim.  I remember sitting on one of the deck chairs, trying to tan my pasty white skin from the Melbourne winter, when I noticed the back of my leg had this large dark patch. I pressed it to see if it was bruised. “OMG!”. I had been walking around like this. On the back of both my legs was two large, dark, brown spots.

Before we left for Port Douglas, I had asked Saunders to spray tan me. I thought he did an amazing job. Obviously not. A young mother sat next to me with her baby girl, who would have been Mason’s age. The young, beautiful, happy mother bounced her baby on her knee. Bubs was wearing the cutest little jumpsuit. Dad was in the pool watching mother and child with so much love. Mum was fussing over drowning every inch of her baby’s skin with sunscreen. I couldn’t stop staring. I couldn’t stop smiling. Baby girl was soooo cute. Saunders could see I was so focused on them that he nudged me and told me to stop staring as it was starting to get a tad creepy. I was just so fixated on them, how happy the mother was, how happy her baby was, how much love they had for each other. Bubs looking into her mums eyes smiling and laughing, acknowledging her mother. Loving her mother right back. I wish, I wish, I wish so much that Mason had seen me. I wish Mason knew how much I loved him, I wish that he saw his mummy, I wish he knew how I didn’t leave his side. I wish I saw him move for me, I wish I got that acknowledgement too that he knew who I was and that he loved me back. Yet only his daddy Saunders saw him with his eyes open, moving around. I was still under general anesthetic from my emergency c section, not knowing the trauma that was happening outside of being in la la land.

The next morning we went to the Sunday Markets. I love a good market, I see a market and I am like “here take all my money”.

I love arts and crafts, I love homemade items. I love it all. We had a walk through and I saw some lovely silver jewelry and bought myself a ring with a beautiful pearl in the centre. I didn’t need it, but I told you I am a sucker for markets…and spending money.

After the markets we decided to take a trip to Hartley’s Crocodile Farm.

Saunders was super excited as was I. Up close and personal with Crocs. Hell yeah! So off we went to the Croc farm! We arrived and we were starving so we decided to eat at the restaurant there. (God it really sounds like all we did was just eat in Port Douglas, which is 99.98% true). The menu was full of Crocodile Meat dishes. I was so sad. I couldn’t do it, although everyone around me was eating and raving on about how good the Crocodile Pie was. There was Crocodile burgers, Croc Pasta, Croc Soup, Croc Skewers, Croc pies, you name it, you could eat it.  I couldn’t do it. You don’t go to the zoo and see the monkeys and then afterwards go eat one do you?! “Two hot dogs thanks!”.

We took a boat river cruise in the Croc infested swamp. There were Crocs everywhere. We got right up and close to them. It was awesome. The tour guide also stopped the boat, pulled some dead chickens out of his esky, broke their necks and fed a huge Croc. Brutal but was amazing to watch.

I mean look at Crocs. They are massive, weird-looking animals. Half land, half water, oversized lizard monsters that look like dinosaurs. They lurk in the water, and they could kill you in a second by using their “death roll” move. Tell me they aren’t fascinating creatures. When the tour guide finished showing us around the swamps he told us to come down to the Iron Bar on Main Street that night to see the “Cane Toad Race”. This I had to see. When in Port Dougie!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

We explored the rest of the Crocodile Farm. They had Snakes, Lizards, Kangaroos, Cassowaries, Koalas, Birds, Turtles. I love love love animals!

Next on the agenda was the main event. The 3pm Crocodile attack show. This was the best show I had ever seen. One brave tour guide went into an enclosure with a huge Croc and pretty much poked fun at it, made it angry, made it chase him, showed us the death roll and fed him Chicken necks. It was a riot.

I laughed so much. He was such a good presenter. It was so entertaining. But I also learnt, DON’T MESS WITH CROCS.

 

(Lazy croc death roll…LOL…..)

After the show was finished we joined a tour of the actual Crocodile farms. This made me sad. If you are an animal lover, don’t continue!! They would breed Crocs and section them off to be either placed to live in the zoo or to be made into skinned products. There was so many little baby crocs, just in a gloomy concrete pen, to live there for 3 years before they are turned into bags, shoes, wallets, clothing, anything and everything. They are the only animal that every part of the body is used . So so sad.

That night, Saunders and I went for a walk along the beach. It was deserted.  The beaches in Port Douglas are beautiful, clean and picturesque. But there was no one swimming in them. I noticed this a lot during our stay that there was no one swimming ever.

Few people walked along the beach but for being a popular tourist destination, with pretty beaches, you would think the shores would be packed. Not one person did I see in those waters. And that’s when it clicked. When the man at the hotel front desk warned us not to swim in the beaches and go out at night. I saw a sign.

It said that marine stingers (jelly fish) maybe present in these waters, oh and also some crocs. No thanks. Now I get it.

Back to the main street for dinner (yes eating again) and we went to the Iron Bar as after dinner we wanted to see the Cane Toad race. Saunders wasn’t too keen on the idea and thought it would be boring and was totally ridiculous. I was excited and curious! I mean would they give the little Toads tiny jerseys? Ugh so cute! I couldn’t wait. We ate dinner, of course I ordered the gnocchi was delicious! Mason’s favorite meal! Paid the $5 entry fee to see the Cane Toad race. We all gathered in the back room of the Iron Bar. Excitement anticipating. A few eye rolls from Saunders. The Croc presenter from Hartley’s was there, explained the rules and people started bidding on the toads. This is effin awesome!

Once the Toads had owners (the people who bid on them), they were all placed under a bucket on the centre of a table. The Toads all had a colored band around them to identify which Toad was which.  The Toads had to make it to the edge of any of the sides of the table. The owner of the Toad then needed to put their hand out and the Toad needed to go into their hands off the table. Once in their hands, the owner raced to put their Toad in a bucket. First Toad in the bucket wins.

The bucket was lifted and off the Toads went. It was a slow start at the beginning but then things got out of control. We lost a Toad at the start. He did a massive jump into the crowd. There was shrieks and screams and people kicking their legs up. People running around the room. Saunders and I couldn’t contain ourselves. We were in hysterics. All this because some Toads were let loose.

We never ended up finding that little Toad either. I hope he wasn’t squished.

The next morning we headed up to do the Skyrail Rainforest Cableway. That was pretty cool. This wasn’t your ordinary cableway. This was over the whole rainforest, high above. Seriously you were in the clouds! It’s definitely not for people who are afraid of heights!

We landed from the Cableway to a place called Kuranda which was like this cute little hidden community in the forest. I was starving….of course….and so we walked around and found a little Crepe restaurant hidden amongst the trees. I love crepes. It’s pretty much up there with gnocchi. Best crepes I had ever eaten. Of course I had two.

After lunch we walked around the town and found the Kuranda Rainforest markets. These markets were in the heart of the forest, selling all kinds of cool, random items. You could buy handmade jewelry, home wares, boomerangs, didgeridoos, artwork, opals, gem stones, get your palms read, fortune-telling, reiki and even play a round of mini golf in amongst the trees. There were wooden cottages and stalls hidden everywhere. Some high up in the trees.

To get back to Port Douglas we caught the scenic railway train. As we boarded, we tried to find our seats. We checked our carriage and seat numbers. Carriage 7, seats 1 & 2. We got to our carriage and looked for our seats but couldn’t find them. The carriage seats started at 3 onwards. Wtf? We double checked we had the right carriage, which we did. Everyone on board the carriage were in hysterics at us. Every other carriage had seats 1 & 2 which were window seats. Confused, we went back to the ticket stand and told the man behind the counter our situation. He didn’t look phased at all and presented us with new tickets. As the train was about to leave, we jumped on and found our seats. I was so mad as these would be the last few seats left and they were the furthest seats from the windows. The train trip was long and the scenery through the forest and the mountains was beautiful but we saw none of it. So disappointing as we booked our tickets the first day we got to the hotel as we wanted good seats!

On our second last day, we decided to do the last item left on my check list – The Great Barrier Reef. I couldn’t wait. I woke up really early….to a massacre. There was blood everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I checked to see that Saunders was still alive next to me, he was. Thank god, I didn’t kill him in my sleep. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?! Oh….that’s right…I forgot that I wasn’t exempt from my monthly visitor anymore. I was no longer pregnant.  Of course I was going to get my period again. Oh and did I ever. Sorry for the graphic murder scene described but seriously I reckon there was over a years worth. How am I not dead I wondered. I woke Saunders off and the look on his face, I thought he was drained of blood too. “FUCK” he said. Yeah fuck. I jumped off the bed pulling all the nice, clean, EXPENSIVE 5 STAR HOTEL sheets off the bed and ran and dumped them in our lovely spa bath which I was now turning into my washing machine. I quickly ran to the front door and placed the “Do not disturb” sign on the handle. I ran into the bathroom and began scrubbing the sheets with all the little complimentary hotel shampoos, conditioners and body wash.OMG OMG OMG. I am running around the room in a panic. It’s gone through to the mattress!!! I can’t wash the mattress in the spa!!!?!? OMG OMG OMG!!! I did the best I could with mattress…..you could hardly see anything. I put the sheets out to dry on our balcony. I did the best I bloody could (excuse the pun).

And then a thought hit me.

I texted all my girlfriends…All of them. Every single one. CODE RED….(haha god I am hilarious). ” Can sharks smell blood if you say…. got your first period after birth…. AND ARE GOING SNORKELLING AT THE GREAT BARRIER REEF?!?!?!?”. Safe to say I got a lot of “LOL” replies. They were useless. No help. So of course I checked in with Dr Google and he said I would pretty much die, cause everyone else to die and there would be no Great Barrier Reef left. We paid a lot of money for this day trip. Like a lot of money. And it was our second last day in Port Dougie. We couldn’t reschedule. There was no way I wasn’t going to go….so I thought it was worth the risk. I told Saunders my game plan. When we had our snorkeling tour, keep your eyes peeled for sharks.  If you see one give them the shark signal that I made up (hands on top of your head in a triangle to symbolize a sharks fin…genius) and then just head for shore. Don’t worry about telling others, it would waste time. Just swim. Swim the hell away. Swim as fast as you could.

To get to the Great Barrier Reef you had to catch a catamaran to the man-made Great Barrier Reef station in the middle of the ocean.

The ride on the catamaran was amazing. The color of the water was spectacular and glowed. I couldn’t wait to see the reef!

This station had the works, a restaurant with an all you can eat buffet, a bar, toilets, underground observatories, snorkeling platforms, mini submarines that did small trips around the reef, showers, sundecks, a helicopter pad and even a post office box so you could send your loved ones a postcard from the Great Barrier Reef.

I wanted to do everything while we were here. We had our snorkeling tour booked in first up. Fingers crossed we don’t see any sharks. We got geared up and off we went in a small group of 10 including the tour guide. I was a sucker and bought one of those plastic waterproof zip locked iPhone bags/cover that you could put your phone in to take underwater photos and videos with at the counter. Saunders rolled his eyes when I made my purchase and told me to say goodbye to my phone. Well Saunders, it worked. So there!

The tour guide showed us the “hand signals” for help, if we saw a turtle and if we saw sharks (little did he know I was one step ahead of him and had my own). Off we went. We swam quite a fair way from the station (shit) and started our tour. Now I have heard great things about the Great Barrier Reef. That it was a “must see”. That it was so spectacular. That it was magical. Colorful. Bright. That it was an amazing sight. Well I was hugely DISAPPOINTED and SAD. There was no bright colors. The only colors I saw was dirty white, brown and grey. The only colors that I did see were from the fish and there was not many of them. They were all hiding in the dead coral. They looked scared. This was their home. I was so sad. What has happened to our great reef? The reef that could be seen glowing from outer space? I was embarrassed. People from all over the world came to Australia to see our beautiful reef. People pay hundreds of dollars for these tours. Our tour guide told us that over the last 5 years the reef has looked its worst. This is due to climate change, the burning of fossil fuels and coral bleaching. I was devastated.

This is what it used to look like:

And this is now…..insert a million sad faces….

I did enjoy the tour, the tour guide pointed to some clown fish (yes we found Nemo), some poisonous coral, a huge sea slug and 2 giant clams. Someone from the group did ask if sharks are common around here and thankfully they are not. Woohooo! And we all live another day. Towards the end of the tour on our way back to the station our tour guide spotted a giant turtle. That was the highlight of the tour around the reef. This beautiful giant turtle, swimming in the ocean. So elegant, gliding through the water. It was beautiful. I learnt that turtles return to the exact spot they were born at each year to mate and lay their own eggs. No matter how far they are, they always return to the exact spot. How cool is that!

(Ps: How good did my cheap waterproof plastic iPhone cover work. See Saunders! Great investment. All the photos and videos of the reef are all done on the good ol iPhone, see if you can spot the turtle above!!).

When we got back to the station I gave Saunders a cheeky high five in recognition that we survived and I didn’t kill anyone. We raced down to the buffet and had some lunch. The buffet was amazing, again I ate a kilo of prawns. Then we boarded a small submarine that circled the reef. It was awesome looking out the windows into the great big ocean. Observing life below. We spent the rest of the day walking around the station, ate (of course) and then boarded back on the catamaran to start our journey back to mainland. Once back on board, the staff in pairs did a head count. Of every single person. The catamaran had 3 levels. It took forever as the staff had conflicting numbers. Over an hour and half later we were ready head off.

I stopped at a boutique store on the way back to our hotel. I wanted to buy something for my little Mase. A present for his table back home. I found him a turtle. Just like the one I saw today.

It was our last night in Port Dougie. We decided for our last night to go to the fancy restaurant at the hotel. Of course I ordered gnocchi. Mason’s favourite. And a cheeky dessert or three.

Saunders and I spoke about our trip. How we felt. How we missed Mason and wish he could be here with us. I tried to enjoy the trip away so much. I tried so hard. But I felt like this is how it is going to be from now on. I’ll only be able to half enjoy things. Half be happy. Half laugh. Half smile. Because a big half of me is missing. I really wish that I could have enjoyed myself. It was good for Saunders and I to escape and take a break. But it didn’t do anything for me. If anything it made me miss Mason more. It made me think about him more. What he would be like, what he would be doing. In the back of my mind I was on this trip because Mason wasn’t here. This feeling of him not being here – this feeling, a permanent feeling that will be with me for the rest of my life. How am I to enjoy holidays, work, life, social outings, events feeling this way. I guess I just have to learn how to deal with the new me.

Every time we are out, before we take a sip of our drinks, we always clink glasses and cheers to Mase. We haven’t missed a night out yet where we haven’t cheered to our beautiful baby boy.

After dinner we walked back to our room and I looked up in the night sky, told Mason I loved him and how much I wished he was here.

Our last day. We checked out of our hotel and decided to kill some time before our flight and look around Cairns.  Cairns was a lovely town. There was yet another market on which we wandered through. We had some lunch and we walked past the T – Galleria. This building that was the home to designer brand stores like Gucci, Prada and Louis Vuitton to name a few. I’m not going to lie, I do love my hand bags and nice things. I glanced over at Saunders and he said “Go on”. I headed straight for Luis Vuitton and had a snoop. I saw a bag on the counter that I had my eye on for ages, when I was pregnant. I thought after pushing out a kid I was going to treat myself for my efforts and for growing and carrying a human for 9 months (more being 13 days overdue!!). But obviously things didn’t pan out for me so well. Saunders saw me looking at the bag and I explained to him that it was a bag that I wanted to buy when Mason was born. It was a treat to myself and it also was big enough to be used as a baby bag also. I proceeded to walk around the store when next thing I know, Saunders had a Louis Vuitton shopping bag dangling in my face. He bought me the bag and even got my initials stamped on the handle. Saunders always spoils me. He loves seeing me happy and would take up any opportunity to make me smile. I have the most loving and generous husband. I am truly blessed with the perfect family. So instead of it being my “baby bag” this bag was now my “back to work” bag.

Our trip was over and it was back to reality. Back to cold Melbourne. Back to a heartbroken, empty home and back to work on Monday. I opened the door to our home, said hello to Mason and then noticed there was a package on the table. I didn’t remember buying anything lately? I had no idea what it could be.

I opened the box.

It was the best thing. The best thing yet.

It was MASON.

Back from his trip to the UK. His ashes into precious jewelry. Saunders birthday present. My present. The gift of OUR son. Our necklaces and my ring. What perfect timing. I get to take Mason to work with me. I get to have him everywhere. My son. My beautiful baby boy. Close to his mummy again. Now and forever.